Contacting your boyfriend is the worst thing to do when he’s too busy to spend time with you. It’s tempting to try to get closer, but you’ll just drive him away.
Don’t beg or threaten your boyfriend as a way to get him to spend more time with you. Instead of complaining or pleading with your boyfriend, remember that you have more power than you think.
These tips for coping with a physically distant or emotionally absent boyfriend were inspired by a reader. “I am always lonely, and I complain to my boyfriend because he doesn’t have time for me,” says Desiree on How to Respond When Your Boyfriend Stops Texting You. “He says he understands and that I need to give him time and we both need to weather the storm together. I don’t know what this means. My friends and family say he isn’t prioritizing me or our relationship. It’s been five months of him almost never spending time with me, and I’m lonely and confused. Is my boyfriend not interested in me anymore? What do I do?”
Don’t let your boyfriend’s choices affect how you see yourself, or you’ll negatively affect your relationship. If he’s choosing not to spend time with you, it doesn’t mean you’re not lovable, valuable, or worthwhile.
Instead of relying on your boyfriend for your self-image, find ways to love and honor yourself, to see yourself the way God sees you. You are creative, smart, quirky, funny, and beautiful. You deserve a relationship that fills you up and helps you love yourself for who you are. You deserve a boyfriend who wants to spend time with you, who is eager to be with you.
What to Remember About Your Boyfriend
Your boyfriend likes you and maybe is even in love with you. He’s in a relationship with you, after all. The problem is that he is prioritizing other things in his life over you. He’s not making time for you. Can you live with your boyfriend and his choices – without him changing – exactly the way he is right now? Because you can’t change who he is. You can do a few things to do get his attention without manipulating or controlling him, but you can’t change his personality, lifestyle, or habits unless he really wants to change.
When your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you, you have two choices:
You can focus on him and your relationship
You can focus on your own growth and self-development
I vote for option #2, because that’s the best way to respond to a boyfriend who doesn’t make time for you. Don’t focus on him; focus on your own spiritual, emotional, and physical health.
Read through my tips for what to do when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you below. I encourage women to create healthy, abundant, interesting lives outside their relationships. Learning how to stop being a needy girlfriend is a double bonus: it makes you happy and fulfilled, which makes you more attractive to men. So your boyfriend will WANT to spend time with you because you are healthy, happy, and whole.
Here’s the rest of my reader’s comment:
“He’s my first boyfriend, and we got back together after 12 years apart,” says D. “We are in our 30s. We ran into each other eight months ago and were excited to get back together. He had made so much money, and he kept saying he needs someone to talk to and to arrange his life. So he’s not really organized and his work gets in the way of our spending time together. I don’t know if he really has time for a girlfriend or if he even cares about me. I feel desperate and clingy.”
If you, too, feel desperate and clingy, read 5 Signs You’re Emotionally Smothering Your Boyfriend (and How to Stop!).
6 Things to Do When He Doesn’t Have Time for You
There is no “one size fits all” answer that applies to every relationship. You need to listen to the still small voice inside of you, and decide where to focus your time and energy. There is no right answer.
What do you want out of your life, your relationship, your boyfriend? That’s where you must start.
1. Figure out what you want out of your relationship
Your boyfriend is clear on what he wants and how much time he’s willing to invest in your relationship. He’s making choices and he’s sticking to them – regardless of how it makes you feel. He’s setting his boundaries and limits.
You need to do the same thing! You must clarify what type of love relationship (and, eventually, marriage) you want. You really do have the power to control your future. It’s up to you to take the reins, rise above your wishes, and stop saying “but I want and wish….” You need to stop letting your emotions (“I want to be married, I want my boyfriend to love me and spend time with me, I want to start a family”) control you. Instead, start thinking like a smart, savvy, strong woman.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Does my boyfriend show me he loves me in concrete ways?
- How well does my boyfriend’s actions match his words? Does he say he loves me, but then he doesn’t spend time with me or prioritize me in his life?
- If my boyfriend never changes, can I be happy in this relationship?
- Is this the man I want to marry?
- Will my boyfriend be there for me and our kids, if we do get married?
- Is he financially, emotionally, and professionally stable?
Be honest with yourself. If you think you want a long-term relationship with your boyfriend – or even to marry him – make sure you ask the right questions. Talk to him about his vision of your relationship, and really listen carefully to your boyfriend’s answers. It’ll help you figure out if he’s the right man for you.
And be painfully honest with yourself. If you know your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now, how can you be sure he’ll make time for you in the future? His current choices and actions show his priorities. If you are important to him, he will find a way to see you. If you’re not, then he’ll find excuses.
2. Imagine that your boyfriend will never change
Don’t hope and expect your boyfriend to change, because he won’t. Yes, people can and do change…but only if they’re motivated. Only if they want to change, if they have a reason that’s important to them.
If your boyfriend is immersed in his work, friends, hobbies, or goals right now, then he may prioritize them first for the rest of his life. Can you live with this? If you want this relationship to work, you need to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now, and he likely won’t have time for you after you get married, settle into a house, and have kids together. Don’t keep going deeper into the relationship with the expectation or hope that he will change. Your boyfriend may change and can change, but you can’t force or even expect him to change.
In When He Doesn’t Make Time for You: How to Create More Love in Your Relationship, Byron Katie shows a man how to build a better relationship by questioning thoughts such as “I want him to spend more time with me.”
3. Tell your boyfriend how you feel (once!)
Be honest. Tell him how it makes you feel when he spends all his time working, hanging out with friends, playing video games, or detailing his car. Say something like, “I feel _(sad?)_ and _(lonely?__ when you don’t spend time with me. My ideal relationship would involve us spending X amount of time on weeknights or weekends together.”
Ask your boyfriend how much time he can reasonably commit to your relationship. One date a week? Two hours a month? Get specific. Give him space to talk, to be honest with you. Don’t guilt or shame him because he’s not the boyfriend you want. He is choosing not to spend time with you for a reason. He might not be able to share that exact reason because he may not even be aware of it! Many of us have no idea why we do what we do. Personal insight and self-awareness is really hard to gain.
After you and your boyfriend have a talk about your relationship, let it go. Don’t initiate the same conversation more than once. It doesn’t help to keep telling your boyfriend you are lonely, confused, sad and frustrated because he doesn’t have time for you. He heard you the first time. If he wanted to change, he would.
4. Remember that all relationships go through ups and downs
Back to my reader, D. She says: “The work project my boyfriend spent all his money failed, and he banked on another. That failed, too.”
She added that it’s been five months since her boyfriend’s work failure. “My once beautiful relationship is now a shadow of itself. My boyfriend doesn’t give me time or attention anymore, and does not let me visit, although he pays me surprise visits at intervals. He said he wants to be left alone, as he is working tirelessly to get back on his feet.”
Many men see their value and self-worth in their work and finances. Some guys don’t want to embark on a committed love relationship until their professional life is stable and even prosperous. Others can’t focus on both work and love. They simply need to focus on one aspect of life at a time.
If your boyfriend doesn’t have enough time for you because of his work commitments, you might give him time to deal with his career. It’s hard to know if your boyfriend isn’t spending time with you because of a short-term crisis that is commanding his attention (which you should respect and allow space for), or if he’ll always choose his other priorities over you. Is this simply a stage in your relationship or is this part of your boyfriend’s personality? If he’s a workaholic, he’ll never ease up on his job.
5. Create a life outside your boyfriend and your relationship
This is the most important – and the most fun – thing to do when your boyfriend doesn’t spend enough time with you: create your own interesting, fulfilling, exciting life.
Questions to help you figure out who you are:
- Where is your life going?
- Who do you want to be?
- What are your passions, hobbies, interests, loves?
- When are you happiest? (besides when your boyfriend is spending time with you)
The best way to handle a boyfriend who doesn’t have time for you is to COME ALIVE. Find life, be yourself, choose authenticity, take risks…be who you were created to be. Get emotionally and spiritually healthy.
6. Let go of your expectations
For your sake and for your relationship’s sake – and for your kids if you have them – you need to create your own life and identity outside of your relationship. You can’t let your identity get wrapped up in you boyfriend or his life, or you’ll lose yourself.
