Things were fine in our relationship. That was what I knew and believed. We hadn’t had any major fights or problems. We went to bed one night saying to each other, “Good night babe, I love you.” Then the next morning this told me, “Babe, I have been doing a lot of thinking, and this is hard for me to say but I want you to know that it’s the truth.
I love you but I don’t deserve you. I believe you are too good for me. That’s why I want to let you go so you can meet a better man. Someone who is as good for you as you are for them.” Oh, I just laughed. I laughed so hard because how can this not be a joke? For eight full years, he didn’t know I was too good for him, but suddenly the realization dawned on him.
Well, that breakup happened two years ago. I didn’t fight for him to stay, no. If after eight years he realized I was too good for him, then he knew what he was saying. That’s why I quietly let him go. It was painful, considering our relationship was centered on our future together, and now I had to face the reality that none of those plans would come to pass.
Oh, it did hurt like hell. I was so sure that I would never recover but here I am. I have had to do a lot of work on myself to be a better woman than the one he left. Now I am at a place where I believe I have healed enough to move on. That appears to be my problem. For two whole years, I have tried to move on but I can’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am not still in love with him.
I don’t want him back either. I don’t even think much of him unless it is necessary, like in this situation where I am telling you about my love life and he is a part of it. Beyond this, I have been putting myself out there. The first time I opened myself to talk to someone was seven months after the breakup. His name is Sam. I am a little older than him but he didn’t mind. I also didn’t have a problem with it. All that mattered was that we were both mature adults who knew what we wanted.
I wanted him, and he wanted to be with me, so we got together. It was so simple and beautiful. Sam is such a sweet guy. By all my standards, I should be crazy about him. This guy knew how to make a woman feel like a king. I was so sure that he was everything to me. However, after a few months, I felt nothing for him. He didn’t offend me. He didn’t do anything that was a deal breaker for me either. We were fine, and I still cared about him. However, my feelings for him were no longer amorous.
I tried really hard but the spark was gone. I didn’t want to end up wasting his time we had a conversation about it. Then we went our separate ways. Although I was hurt that things could not work out, I had to do my best to move on. After him, I went for a while without dating. I wanted to be properly ready this time around. So that I won’t lose interest before the relationship gets the chance to build roots. So I continued doing more work on myself until two months ago when I met Nana Yaw.
We are not dating yet. We are getting to know each other. I liked him at first. I was interested in unraveling the mystery that he is. I was looking forward to experiencing the different ways we would connect on different things. Those budding moments are usually beautiful, aren’t they? Well, even though we haven’t even gotten there yet, Nana Yaw is acting all lovey-dovey. He calls me pet names. He also treats me and talks to me as if I am already his girlfriend.
Maybe this was meant to pique my interest but it had the opposite effect rather. I have completely lost interest in him. It’s all friendship for me right now but I haven’t told him yet. Is it even something I have to feel him? It was just the talking stage and I lost interest.
Apart from these two, there are several guys who came my way but I didn’t even give them a listening ear. I just knew that I wouldn’t like them like that so why bother? I would give them my number alright but I wouldn’t pick up their calls or respond to my messages. Now this is my concern.
There is this married man whose wife is not in the country. We first started talking as friends. I had no interest in him whatsoever but along the line, I found myself falling in love with him. While I was trying to keep my emotions in check, I noticed that this man was also getting attached to me. I didn’t want any problems or complications, so I blocked him.
What I don’t understand is, why him? Of all the men who have the men who want me, why do I have to want the one I shouldn’t? Is it a defense mechanism? Maybe because the last man who treated me like I was his world, got up one morning and left me, I am now looking for a home in a man who can never be mine. Could this be the problem? I am not happy that I have been unable to move on for two years.
While I love the woman I have become, I miss being in love and being loved by my own man. I want to love but not a married man, but it’s not working with any single guy that comes my way. I find it difficult to even trust because of the experience with my ex. What can I do to get out of this? I don’t want to keep living in the shadows of my past.
