I don’t remember what I was doing or exactly which day it was when I met Mahmoud in November 2020. I remember how I felt though. Giddy. When he smiled, it felt like a soft wind blowing gently against my skin. I was happy that we started talking that day.
The interest was mutual. I suppose that was what made it easier for us to start seeing each other romantically in 2021. By then we had established our friendship and gotten to know ourselves better. He was sweet, caring, and very supportive. When he met me, I didn’t have a place of my own. I was perching with someone while working at a restaurant to gather money for my graduation as a seamstress. I didn’t ask him for favors.
He decided out of the goodness of his heart to help me graduate. After my graduation, he said, “We should do something about your living situation. You are your own boss now so you should have your own place.” The next thing I knew, he had found a place for me to live and paid for the rent. There was nothing we didn’t talk about. We were that close.
The relationship was too new for us to talk about the future but that didn’t stop us from discussing the past. He told me he had a three-year-old daughter with his ex. I asked why things didn’t work out between them and he pointed out that the lady is a Christian. “We both amicably agreed to let the relationship go because we couldn’t agree on who would convert for the other.
Mostly that’s how relationships between Muslims and Christians end so I easily believed him. As time went on in the relationship, he would bring his daughter to come and stay with me for weekends. The little girl always talked about me to her mother. It even got to a point where the lady would call me and say, “My daughter tells me good things about you.
Thank you for how well you care for her.” We didn’t have any friendship nor attempt to form one but there was no bad blood between us either. We only spoke whenever the girl came over to my place. Still, I saw it as a good thing. Many people shy away from dating men who have kids with other women because they want to avoid baby mama drama. In my case, I didn’t have to worry about that considering how cordial things were between me and Mahmoud’s ex.
I even felt more secure in the relationship knowing the lady knew about me and didn’t react with bitterness. I interpreted it as maturity from her side. Everything was going smoothly until somewhere in 2023 when he started acting differently. I asked him what was wrong but he insisted everything was fine. I didn’t believe him. If not for anything at all, I knew him well enough to know when something was not right about him. And I wasn’t happy that he was shutting me out.
I wanted to be there for him. What was my use as his girlfriend if I couldn’t show up for him when he needed me to? So one night I decided to pay him a surprise visit. It was quite late. The plan was to sit him down and persuade him to share his burdens with me. Then spend the night after the conversation. That day I was the one who ended up being surprised. I met the mother of his child at his place at that ungodly hour. The first emotion I felt was anger. I took it out on the lady.
Why was she with him that night when she knew he was my boyfriend? She was friendly to me every time we spoke so why? We had even discussed meeting in person at some point. I started fighting with her but she did not engage me. She was quiet the entire time I was lashing out. Maybe that should have alerted me that something was off but I rather took her silence as an admission of guilt on her part. It was too late for me to go home that night so I ended up spending the night with the two of them.
The next morning, things were awkward when I left for my place. Shortly after I got home, I received a call from the lady. “I was quiet last night because I was confused about your behavior. Be honest with me, who is Mahmoud to you?” “He is my boyfriend. We’ve been together for over two years now,” I answered. She called me a liar. “He told me you are his cousin,” she retorted. I could taste the bitterness in her words. They reflected mine.
At the end of the conversation, we agreed to confront Mahmoud together so we would know if indeed I was a liar. When the time came, this guy swore heaven and earth that I was nothing to him. I watched it all unfold like a poorly scripted movie. “She is just a desperate girl who attached herself to me for no reason.” And the more he spoke the more he insulted me. The most painful one was, “She is the biggest mistake I ever made.” If it didn’t happen to me, I wouldn’t have believed Mahmoud would do this.
With my broken heart, I made it home. “The worst has happened but I will heal,” I consoled myself. I was wrong. There was more to come. A few days after all that drama, I found out I was pregnant. He said he didn’t want the pregnancy. I also refused to get rid of it.
That one too turned into another hellish experience. He tried to intimidate me into doing the unspeakable but I stood my ground. But Not A Bad Father When he realised I wouldn’t cower, he accepted responsibility. I have a beautiful baby boy now. After everything he has done, he still won’t let me breathe. He compares me to his other lady when it comes to everything I do.
He even brings her to my place every Sunday when he comes to see the baby. That’s not all. The lady has started treating me as if I am her child. She would come bearing gifts for my baby. Maybe she means well but it makes me uncomfortable. I complained to Mahmoud, hoping he would keep her in check. He didn’t care. He made me feel like I was a bad person instead. As far as he is concerned, I am always a problem.
His behaviour makes me worry that one day he will take my baby from me. Also, I have come to resent them. He and his lady. I hate that he never apologized for lying to me and stringing me along all these years. He treats me like I am a robot with no feelings.
I fear I am becoming bitter because of them but I don’t want it to get there. It’s my goal to get to a place where I am filled with peace and love so I can raise my child in a loving home. This is the reason I have been trying to forgive myself, so I can forgive Mahmoud. But everything he and this lady do only adds more fuel to my pain. How do I let go of the hurt?
