I heard how upset she was about our breakup. I admit that I should not have ended things with her via text, but I had my reasons. I was still so much in love with her that I knew if I tried to tell her in person that our relationship was over, I would end up changing my mind. She knew she had that kind of hold over me so she played with my emotions as if they were nonexistent. This is the reason she didn’t see the end coming. She believed I would stand by her no matter what happened. And I really would have done anything for her but it just got to a point where I chose myself and my sanity.
Before I get any further with my story, let me take you back to where it all began. It started on Facebook. There wasn’t anything dramatic about it. I sent her a friend request, and she accepted it, and we started chatting. We chatted on messenger for years but we never met in person until she invited me to an event one day. My first impression of her was, “She has a beautiful personality but she is not physically attractive.” Then she was called to the stage to sing, and when she sang I felt the heavens open. The experience changed the way I saw her. I started to notice that although she was not attractive at first glance, she possessed an exotic beauty.
We talked more on the phone and met up to hang out from time to time. Before we both realized it, a relationship had started. It started as a friendship and then meandered into a full-blown romantic affair. Due to our Christian beliefs, we agreed to stay away from shuperu until marriage. I was committed to our agreement but Miriam took it very seriously. She wouldn’t even let me kiss her. The closest I got to her was a hug. I was not entirely happy about it but I accepted it, trusting that we would soon be married, and I would have the freedom to touch her wherever I wanted.
One thing that also made the wait bearable for me was the way Miriam always dangled her virginity before me. “Babe, I am happy that my first time is going to be with you,” she often said, “And I know that not every man would be patient enough with me to wait, so I appreciate your efforts.”
I did not hesitate to introduce her to my family as the woman I want to marry. She also introduced me to her family, and her father encouraged me to do the right thing by her and marry her as soon as possible. So we started making preparations for marriage. We even got to the place where we named our kids and the businesses we would establish. We didn’t have it all figured out but we were making progress with each passing day. Out of nowhere, COVID struck and we both lost our jobs. Fortunately, she received a contract to go and work in a village outside our region. The money involved was good so she took it. Shortly after she left, I lost my phone. This made it difficult for us to communicate regularly, but we tried to make it work.
On her first visit home, she had a new phone so she gave me her old one. I used the phone for some time before I realized that her old WhatsApp messages were still on it. I didn’t mean to invade her privacy but it happened. I opened her Whatsapp and started reading her messages. And I came upon a chat with a guy she had introduced to me as a friend. Their chats indicated that she was sleeping with him. I kept going through her messages, taking my time to read the nuances and textures of each chat. At the end of everything, I found out that she was sleeping with three other guys. If someone told me what I read with my own eyes, I wouldn’t have believed it. Miriam?
I didn’t waste time at all. I took screenshots of the conversations and sent them to her right away. I waited patiently to see what her response would be. A few minutes later she called me; “Babe, I am sorry you saw that but I can explain. I plan on coming to town this weekend so hold on. Don’t think about anything or decide on anything yet. Wait and let’s talk when I come.
I was wondering what explanation she could give to make things make sense but I stil
l waited for her to show up over the weekend. When I saw her face, my anger deepened, and so did my love for her. My warring emotions left me confused. She explained; “The guy I introduced to you as my friend is actually not a friend the way I made it look. He’s my on-and-off boyfriend. We keep breaking up because he is a chronic cheat. He was the reason I started sleeping with the other guys. I did it to get back at him. I had broken up with him before you and I started dating but the thing is we tried to maintain our friendship. It was the friendship that led to us having shuperu. I am very sorry you had to find out this way.”
To make matters worse, she went ahead to tell me she and the guy had decided to give their relationship one last chance so I should allow her to go and get the closure she needs. It was such a silly request but I felt she deserved a second chance and that second chance should begin on a clean slate. I gave her the go-ahead to go and seek the closure she desired. I placed myself on standby while she tried to date her on-and-off boyfriend once again.
I tried to move on during that period but I couldn’t. When she came back a few months later, I was still in love with her. She apologized for hurting me and asked me to give her one more chance. I loved her so I couldn’t say no to her request. I took her back so we could begin again from a clean spot. She didn’t stop talking to her ex. They were both into music so they mostly worked together. Although she broke my trust the first time, I tried my best to trust her around this same guy. But Miriam’s behaviour didn’t help matters. She would go and be with the guy in the name of work and refuse to answer my call.
As time went on, I found out that she spent more time with him than he spent with me. When I complained she told me, “Nothing is going on between us. We are just working together.” However, my mind was torturing me with worst-case scenarios. Whenever they were together, I couldn’t stay still. The more I thought about these things the more it messed up my mental health. I loved her so much that every little thing she did affected my state of being deeply. And she always made me feel as if I was being dramatic when I expressed how her association with her ex was affecting me. I had to sit down one day and choose between my crazy love for her and my mental health. And for once, I chose myself. I knew if I called her or went to see her in person, I wouldn’t be able to do what was necessary so I rather texted her that I was no longer interested in the relationship.
I believe her when she said she didn’t see it coming. The fact that she didn’t see it coming got her upset. She blocked me on all her social media platforms but I was okay. It took a long time for me to pick myself up after things ended between us. It’s been almost three years since I walked away from her. I have completely gotten over her, and I say that I have healed but I can’t bring myself to love anyone again. I am scared of giving myself away to someone only for them to let me down in the end. I think of love and it scares me. Currently, I don’t know what I should do to be able to trust again.
