He called to ask me, “Now that you’ve broken up with me, what should I tell your family when we come for the introduction?” The question made me angry. How was a grown man acting as if he did not have a mind of his own? Why did he expect me to feed him the information he should deliver to my parents? It felt like he didn’t want this. His actions during my pregnancy were all the proof I needed to know that he did not want me.
I didn’t want to be stuck with a man who would rather be free of me. So I called his mum and told her, “Please stop forcing your son to marry me. Everything shows your family wants him to be with me but his behavior has proven that I am not who he wants.” She told me to calm down. “Initially, our son had told us the baby was not his. We didn’t want to just take him at his word. This is the reason we came to visit you and the child. When we came, we saw for ourselves that the child looked like him. We reported what we saw to him and he is ready to pay your dowry. We are not the ones forcing him,” she explained.
The part about this whole thing that pains me is that the man I had the baby with did not come to see his own child. He had to send his family to see the child and confirm if our son was his. This is not a pregnancy that happened by accident. The two of us decided to have the baby together after we had dated for nine months.
We were so in love and in a place where we both wanted a child. I trusted his love for me. I was sure that he would stick to the plan. Yes, usually people get married first and then have a baby. Ours was the other way around. We decided we would get pregnant, then he would meet my family for an introduction, and pay my dowry.
Let me clarify that I did not force this plan down his throat, nor did I manipulate him to agree to it. Two lovers sat together and agreed to this. We did what needed to be done and it did not take long for me to conceive.
I was happy when I missed my period that month and the test results read positive. While I celebrated the gift the heavens blessed us with, Roland was melancholic. “Babe what’s wrong? Why are you not happy that we got what we wanted without trying too hard?” I asked. “It happened too soon,” he responded, “Usually couples try for months before pregnancy happens. But this one was too fast. I don’t think the pregnancy is mine. Maybe you were already carrying another man’s child before we even decided to have a child.” I was shocked he would say this.
I had never cheated on him or even looked at another man since I met him. So why would I give him another man’s child? I tried to reason with him but he wouldn’t talk to me. I asked him to accompany me to the antenatal clinic but he refused. He rather shared his doubts with his mother and then ghosted me for three months.
When he came back, he apologized for his actions and I forgave him. We started talking but didn’t see each other physically. One time I asked him to support me financially, and he ghosted me again. I didn’t chase him. I didn’t call his mother to advise him to be responsible. I turned my attention to myself and my unborn child. I took good care of us.
By God’s grace, everything went well and I had the baby safely. After delivery, this guy called me sounding angry. “Why didn’t you tell me and my family that you were going to give birth?” he demanded. Honestly, his inconsistency was annoying.
One moment, he was ghosting me because he didn’t want to provide for the care of a child he was sure was not his. Another moment he was accusing me of not telling his family I had the baby. I didn’t want any more of his problems so I stopped picking up his calls.
Two months after the delivery, his mother called to ask if they could visit to see their grandchild. I agreed. My family prepared and welcomed them well. We were expecting Roland to be with them but he didn’t show up. It was his mother and siblings who came to see the baby.
After the informal introductions, his mum told my dad, “Next week we will come with our son for an official introduction, and then we will pay the dowry.” My family didn’t have any objections although we hadn’t heard from the baby daddy himself.
I was tempted to send him a message to confirm what his mum said but I didn’t. He was the one who started texting me after his people left. I thought we were going to speak like two adults but he had something different in mind. Instead of apologising for his absence, he accused me of blocking him, something I didn’t do. He then asked what he should tell my parents now that I had broken up with him. I never broke up with him either. He was the one who decided our child was not his and then ghosted me.
As his mother explained, they’ve seen that the child looks like him so he is ready to pay the dowry. I keep asking myself what would have happened if the child came out looking like me instead. Would he still say the child is his? Would he still want to pay my dowry? I don’t trust him anymore, not after the way he neglected me. He left me to take care of a pregnancy we both agreed to conceive. How can I marry such a man?
This is why am I here with my story today. Is it a good idea to go ahead with the marriage? Or should count my losses and move on with my life as a single mum?
