What do you say to a woman who refuses to communicate? These five tips aren’t about trying to change or control her – that’s hopeless! Rather, here are several reasons your wife won’t talk to you and how you can respond with love.
The bad news is that these tips revolve around you. It may not be your fault that your wife doesn’t talk to you, but there’s nothing you can do to change her behavior. All you can do is focus on your own actions and words. And that’s the good news, too! I’m giving you the tools and ideas you need to change the only person you can: you.
These tips are inspired by a husband who commented on one of my blog posts. He said:
My wife had an emotional affair with another man,” says Jason on 6 Warning Signs of a Failing Marriage. “Long story short, I gave her an ultimatum: end the relationship or I leave. My wife ended it, but claims she has nobody to talk to. She won’t look at me, talk to me, and can’t be in the same room as me. She is now bashing me to close friends, and blowing things way out of proportion. I am lost, confused, and still in love with my wife. But I can’t live like this. She refuses to get counseling, and says to leave her alone. My wife won’t talk to me but won’t leave. I need help.”
When your wife ignores you or tells you to leave her alone, it’s important to discern whether she really means leave her alone or if she actually means “I need you to try to save our marriage.”
How you determine what your wife is saying depends on her personality, the reason she’s not talking to you, and how deep your marriage problems go. You may need to talk to someone in person about your relationship. Even more important is for you to get as emotionally and spiritually healthy as possible. The healthier you are, the better able you’ll be to make good decisions for your life, wife, family and future.
Whether your wife gives you the silent treatment, withering looks or the cold shoulder, your first step is to try to learn why she won’t talk to you. If you don’t know what she’s going through, how can you communicate with her?
Why Your Wife Won’t Talk to You and What You Can Do.
There are no easy answers or quick tips for saving a troubled marriage. Since you can’t change your wife or your relationship, are you better off searching for tips on how to find happiness in a loveless marriage?
Not yet. First, think through these reasons wives stop talking to husbands. Then, give them some thought. Try to gain some insight into your marriage and your own personality – because if you don’t know why your wife won’t talk to you, you won’t find answers here. She has the answer – and I suspect you know more than you realize.
1. Your wife is tired of trying to talk to you
How many times would your wife say she’s tried to talk to you? If she believes she’s been trying for weeks, months or years to talk to you, perhaps she’s entered the silent treatment zone.
I know the silent treatment well. I used to refuse to talk to my husband when I was hurt, angry, jealous, or scared. I shut down and clammed up. My husband would try to get me to talk, but eventually give up — much sooner than I would’ve liked! I wanted him to keep reaching out to me because I thought it meant he loved me.
If your wife isn’t talking to you but is talking to close friends or family members, you might consider approaching them. Clearly express your love and concern for your relationship with your wife. You’re not trying to be emotionally manipulative or secretive; you just want to build a healthy marriage. You want to talk to your wife, but you can’t. Consider asking for their perspective about why she’s unhappy. Ask for their feedback, suggestions, ideas.
2. You resist what your wife says
It’s hard to simply accept and allow our spouses to share their honest thoughts and true feelings. It hurts our egos, wounds our pride and threatens our security. I’ve been known to resist my husband’s opinions, and he sometimes avoids mine.
A complicating factor is that sometimes we resist allowing our spouses to share their honest feelings because we’re protecting ourself. Another possibility is that we can’t see the truth. We’re too close to it – we can’t see a massive rainforest when we’re lost in the swamp. It takes energy, effort and patience to learn how to accept a spouse’s thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it even takes external guidance, in the form of a counselor or trusted confidante.
3. You can’t accept your wife’s unhappiness
I went to a live marriage counseling session once. It was fascinating and a little weird; the pastor of our church was also a licensed, experience marriage counselor. He invited a few couples to a series of three marriage counseling sessions because many couples face the exact same problems.
One of the insights from the first live marriage counseling session was the fact that many husbands are perfectly happy with the status quo. They don’t want their lives to change because they’re satisfied with the way things are. Wives, on the other hand, are often more keen on trying to improve their marriages, talk more, connect on a deeper level. If your wife won’t talk to you, there might be something she’s trying to tell you.
The husband in the live counseling session said he supports his wife, doesn’t put any undue stress or strain on her, and doesn’t recognize any problems at all. They’d been married for a short time, only three years or so. Yet his wife was already tired of trying to talk to him, trying to make him see that she’s not happy with “just” being provided for and supported.
4. You and your wife speak different “love languages”Men: Tools for Making a Good Relationship Great – isn’t a fad or a gimmick. It’s a powerful way to look at communication in marriage.
If your wife refuses to communicate in ways you understand, you might try finding ways to connect in ways she understands. This won’t erase months or even years of silence, miscommunication, misunderstandings and hurt feelings, but it can help heal your marriage.
When you express your love for your wife using her primary love language, it’s like hitting the sweet spot on a baseball bat or golf club,” says counselor and bestselling author Gary Chapman. “It just feels right—and the results are impressive
