For the first time in my life, I am with a man I can be my true self with. I don’t have to hide any part of myself to appear a certain way in his eyes. He already knows all of me. He has seen everything there is to see about me, and he is not deterred. He loves and accepts me for who I am. That’s one thing I enjoy about this relationship. He is a wonderful man. He goes to great lengths to show how much he cares about me. Whatever I do, he is supportive.
My only reservation has to do with his previous marriage. When I met him, he told me he was divorced with two boys from his marriage. “Why did your marriage fail?” I asked him. He shrugged and with a deep pain in his eyes, he said, “My ex-wife cheated on me with a younger man. I was mostly away for work, so she had an affair.” Upon further probing, he admitted that he was the first to cheat in the marriage. He said he cheated on his wife first. It was the first time he was doing something like that so he was consumed with guilt. “I couldn’t look at her and be happy, knowing what I had done.
So I went to her with my heart bowed in remorse. I confessed my sin in the hope that we would work out our problems and move past them. But it rather had the opposite effect. All we did after my confession was have one problem after the other.” I listened keenly to make sure the story added up. He said that at some point, he started suspecting that she was cheating on him but she did not have any proof to confirm these feelings. When he tried to report her to others, nobody believed him. He ended up looking like a crazy man who was accusing his wife wrongly of infidelity.
It wasn’t until it came to light that she was pregnant with the other man’s child that the woman admitted she was cheating. “Even after the pregnancy I was willing to forgive her and give her another chance but she refused. I did everything in my power to get back with her. I spoke to our pastor to talk to her for me but still, she chose the other man. I granted her a divorce and she moved in with her new man,” he narrated. He said he had no choice but to also move on.
Here is the thing, I believe all those things happened to him. But I also feel like he’s hiding very important details of the truth. I believe he did more to contribute to the failure of his marriage than cheating just one time. However, I can’t place my finger on the missing pieces of the puzzle. According to him, he begged his wife not to leave him because of guilt. He also said he tried to understand her actions. What did he do that made him feel so guilty? I also tried to understand him but it didn’t make sense.
Why would a woman cheat on a good husband and then play victim? Besides, why would anyone leave a happy marriage after they messed up and were given a second chance? I have tried to get him to talk more about his past but every time, he plays the victim and blames his ex for everything. I know him. At least with the little experience I had with him, I would say he is insecure and extremely loves attention. Is that what drove the previous woman away? I know that not everyone has the patience to deal with an insecure partner. They can be a handful.
However, I try to be understanding. I tell myself he is acting that way because of the experiences from his past marriage. Still, it’s not easy to be with a man who is constantly interrogating you. Unless he doesn’t see or hear me talking to another man. “Who is that?” He would ask. He can give me twenty missed calls in a matter of minutes. It’s easier for him to assume the worst of me than to accept the truth that I am not a cheat. He tells me he trusts me but still acts crazy when he doesn’t hear from me.
Another way I try not to let it get to me is to remind myself that he is doing all that because it’s a long-distance relationship. But every once in a while, his possessive behaviour scares me. That’s because men like this tend to be abusive.
Another thing that bothers me about his relationship with his ex-wife is that the woman’s photos are still on his Facebook and Instagram. When I asked why they were still there he said, “Oh, I already removed them.” Meanwhile, I just checked and they are still there. A part of me is wondering if he is still in love with her. I told him, “Ask your ex why your marriage didn’t work out.” He asked her and came back with these responses; “You were not serious about marriage.
You were a cheat.” “You drink too much alcohol regardless of how much I complain.” “You don’t know how to handle your finances.” This only means she didn’t want him anymore. So I am wondering, if she changes her mind and decides wants him, he is likely to take her back? I am also insecure about the part, and also the part where I have a feeling there is still something missing from his past.
Now, my problem is we’re getting engaged in July to be married in December. His insecurities aside, he is a great man. He is willing to do everything to make me happy. However, I am worried the real reason the marriage didn’t work out is because of this same insecurity issue.
If that’s the case then I could be making a mistake. I have already gone through so much in life. I don’t want to have to add an unhappy marriage to it. In case you are wondering, we haven’t had intimacy yet. We are waiting till marriage. What do I do? How do I find out what he is not telling me? If it was possible for me to talk to his ex-wife, I would have done it. —Ruby This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too.
